Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Surreal

Hours just flew by like that when I was with Nik, leaving me longing for more.

Sometimes sleeping with someone you feel you connect with would take you to that other level of consciousness for the person, give you that extra intimacy. There were points where I just lied on his chest in immutable silence, thinking about whether he's feeling what I was feeling, what this could mean, and what we could be. In the grand scheme of things, that whole situation, how we lied naked in my bed at that exact moment, felt entirely out of the sphere of reality from a cosmic scope of view. How our fingertips were touching, and how I could feel the warmth of his palm sweeping up and down my thigh. It felt so unreal, like a dream, and time didn't seem to make very much sense. I knew I had realities I had to face after he left my place, but at that point, that was everything my life was. 

It doesn't matter whether this extends to something more, whether we end up falling in love with each other in the future, does it? It's all serendipity. I supposed this is just the way things are. All part of chance.

But...

Maybe this is why I am romanticizing things. Sometimes I can't even be sure if I am really feeling what I think I am feeling, or is everything just how I imagine my perception of things should be. Sometimes I feel like my emotions are forced, and my thoughts aren't mine. Even my soul doesn't feel like mine. Like I am this consciousness being injected into this course of life that I've been assigned to go through before I perish. I sound like I am on drugs. I wonder if this is how Nik felt when he got tripping balls high on LSD.

I do believe in parallel universes.

And I really, really could use some romance in my life now.

*sigh*

Monday, August 7, 2017

Je veux ĂȘtre avec toi

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.
― Neil Gaiman, The Kindly Ones

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Remnants

I am writing a mega long post about my family background and my upbringing. The good times, the bad times, the dramas. It's very emotionally overwhelming, I've only managed to write at most 4 paragraphs each day before feeling too exhausted to keep going. It's close to completion.

But I just want to take a break and write about something else.

Dom.

I didn't see him for almost a month. He dropped by 3 weeks ago, but only stayed for a very short while. We should've fucked, but we didn't, as he thought he'd drop by again two days later. Ended up we didn't see each other for another 3 weeks, because the bible-monger secretly activated GPS tracking on his phone and found out that he had sneaked out when she was at church. I see she has finally grown some wits, but what she really needs to grow is some balls. Actually, both of them need to grow some, and end this petty thief and cop game. She confronted him about it of course, and he denied of course. That's about it. He left behind his phone at work and sneaked out to have lunch with me yesterday, but again, our date was cut super short because the moment he arrived, he told me she suddenly texted him and asked him what he's having for lunch (notifications popped up on his smart watch). He left almost immediately after ordering his to-go, and she dropped by his office to have lunch with him. Dom didn't reveal where he went, but she claimed she was at the mall we were at. Now he suspected that she had installed another GPS tracker in his car. If that's the case, I don't know when I'll get to see him again.

Then there is this business trip next month that he said he wanted to bring me along since the beginning of the year. I really looked forward to it and pushed for the trip to happen, but now she wanted to tag along, yet wouldn't confirm with him. My patience is wearing thin.

I haven't been obsessively thinking about him much since the bible-monger started going full-on apeshit and kept him a prisoner. I no longer sweat over the future of our relationship, but I never thought of taking the initiative to end it either, until Cece told me that I should, because it's toxic, and it's going nowhere. I don't mind that it's going nowhere, where are we ever really heading anyway? We all live out of the course of our lives, then die. So tell me where we are going. Of course I would like a more foreseeable future with someone, but you can never fully predict or control anything that involves another person. All that matters to me is the present.

So, the present. In my defense it's not really toxic at this point. At least no longer toxic compared to the past, because he can't really bother me anymore. I am kind of seeing another person and he doesn't even know about it, so it's not like I am losing any fun because of him. I told Cece I'll keep him around for whatever benefits I can get, emotional or physical or monetary. But these past few days I've been thinking. The infatuation I had for him and the attachment I felt for our relationship drastically subsided when his dishonesty was proven, now almost fully gone. Heck, he isn't even a dominant to me anymore. He has been reduced to an existence in my phone: regular texts and phone calls every day. No doubt a routine I might need to wean myself off, but do I still need this person in my life, or will I move on just fine?

I thought about ending it. I imagined how it will go down, but I still don't feel the urge to do it just yet. Maybe it's in my nature to drag things out until annoyance takes over, so that I am sure I no longer want someone when I cut ties with them. I don't do the "leave before it turns sour to preserve the good memories" shit. I am a very binary person, it's either you are worthwhile to me or you are not. What good can preserving good memories possibly do me? They exist in the past, and the past is as good as never existed. The past serves to put me into my current condition and present situation, certainly, but it no longer exists. No matter how good the memories are, they are over and they don't play a part in my life anymore. But things turning sour does. It can give me new experience, new perspective: will it ferment into fine wine, or rancid milk with retching stench? Curious, so curious.

Therefore I'd like to exploit every last bit of essence before I discard something I have invested in.

I asked myself if I regretted carrying out the revenge/punishment. Had I chosen to be more accepting about his wandering dick and blatant lies, I might still be seeing him 2 or 3 times every week like before. Meals and dates and grocery shopping and sex. Spanks and kisses and giggles and laughter.

The answer is no. I regret nothing.

I enjoyed it while it was good. Or while I perceived it to be good. It just didn't sit well with me when I couldn't persuade myself to perceive things the way I used to perceive them anymore. I had to do something to re-calibrate my lens and find out how I want to perceive things next. I just had to.

All truths are easy to understand, once you discover them; the point is to discover them. ~Galileo

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Prejudice

Sometimes we don't like certain people just because they are ugly. 

Maybe most of the time in my case... I know this sounds horrible, especially coming from an aesthetically blessed person, but hey, at least I'm honest about it.

I pride myself for being mostly non-judgmental with people's motives and actions, but I am guilty as charged when it comes to judging strangers by their physical appearances. I've always acknowledged that I have slight negative feelings towards certain ethnicities/nationalities and people who are obese/ugly. Those feelings go away if I happen to get to know them and like their personalities, but I won't deny that I do develop biases due to personal aesthetic preferences. Even though I consciously try not to let those biases reflect in my actions, sometimes I just couldn't help it.

There were times I couldn't avoid Creepy Guy, especially when he dropped by our lab to use our facilities. He tried to be friendly, but I tried my best to minimize interactions with him. It dawned on me that my attitude towards him isn't really because of this incident... it wouldn't even have bothered me if he's not an unattractive Chinese fob.

Eh, whatever. I am cold and distant towards most people anyway.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Symbiosis

From time to time I forgot caffeine is not the way to go about boosting productivity... what caffeine more effectively boosts was often my libido and I usually ended up seeking relief (read: masturbation) instead of doing what I initially wanted to. Followed by a mild headache and a nap. -.-

But here I am, doing exactly what I said to Nik on our first date, "just fucking write".

I will just list out things I have wanted to write about next... whichever comes to mind first.
  1. Dom
  2. The First
  3. The Ex
  4. The ones I went out with but didn't fuck
  5. The ones I fucked once
  6. The swingers' party orgy
  7. Family
  8. Morality
...... why does it feel like I am writing a memoir, of my sex history? XD


Alright, first one on the list is an easy one. I haven't seen Dom in 20 days because... well, well. He is crazy busy lately, and is being kept on a very tight leash. She is so easily triggered, it's almost like she wears a big red button on her forehead... I never held her in high regard (obviously), but now I am convinced that she really is an imbecile. It really was so fucking easy to catch a cheating husband who lives under the same roof for christ's sake, especially with all the anonymous tips she has received! But instead of quietly, carefully planning her moves and setting up traps, she barked at him every time she received a new tip... also always while he's at work, which gave him time to erase all evidence. Seriously? The only plausible explanation is that she doesn't really want to find out the truth, all she wants is to make infidelity difficult for him and to force him to spend more time around her— yes, not necessarily with her, but around her. Either way, like I said, imbecile.

Dom got me a Coach handbag for my birthday. I specifically told him that I fancy Kate Spade over Coach, hate logo print, and prefer structured bags. He was attending a conference half an hour away from an outlet mall and insisted getting me a Coach bag since I didn't have one. He revealed on the phone that it's a light/nude colored bag, and I bet with him that I could guess the exact model with some internet research. He agreed that if I got it right in 3 guesses, he would perform a strip dance. I was so confident I could guess it right, but after 3 failed guesses, I started to worry.

"... as long as it's not a hobo covered in logo print."
"Wait, you don't like logo print?! Why didn't you mention?!"
"I DID— well it depends on the design, I don't mind subtle logo print."
"Well if you really don't like it, I can have it exchanged."

I browsed through the list of Coach Factory Outlet bags and my heart sank. All their light/nude-colored hobos with logo print were ugly af. I was distraught and ranted to Hubs, Nymph, Cece and Sister over the weekend. I know, it's only around a hundred bucks, but I wanted to get the most worth out of it still, since I couldn't possibly sell the bag while still dating Dom, and it's rude to have him drive an hour plus to the store for an exchange (Factory Outlet purchases can only be returned to Factory Outlets but not regular stores). Funny thing, Cece even mentioned this on her blog! lol

Needless to say, my expectation was very low, turned out I was pleasantly surprised when I received the actual bag— it's not a hobo (should've known better than to expect men to know the correct lingo), the logo print is very subtle, and size is decent too!

Dom requested that I showed him how I coordinate my outfits with the bag -.-

I recently started biking and I asked Dom to sell her bike to me— I knew he would just give it to me, and he did. It's an old model but in good condition because she barely used it. She asked him to get her one saying she wanted to tag along when he went out to bike around their neighborhood. Of course her true intention was to follow him and to know where he really went, after a few times she was convinced that his claim was true and never bothered to "tag along" anymore. The bike had been sitting in their garage for a few years. It doesn't really bother me that I am using something that was hers, I mean, this man I am fucking is supposedly hers too after all.

Whatever, man. Perhaps I don't really care that this man is cheating on his imbecile with me and mostly likely has cheated on me with other women, as long as there is enough compensation: free meals, gifts, grocery shopping trips, favors, attention, affection, sex. Hubs said he's worried that I'm turning sociopathic, because the way I talked about Dom recently was like I am using him as a tool. Meh. It's true, but Dom is also more than that. I'd rather believe that he's just a tool... though it's just a defense mechanism to give me a sense of control. I see nothing wrong with it, isn't this a world where we use each other anyway? Commensalism, mutualism, parasitism, you name it.


♪ ♫ ♩ ♬
Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
Travel the world and the seven seas
Everybody's looking for something
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused
♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Control

A lot of things happened since I last wrote, or should I say, I caused a lot of things to happen... but I am no longer in that emotional state so this is going to be a rather factual long-ass post.

Recap: For a very long time, more than a year I think, I wasn't bothered in the slightest way whether Dom was seeing/fucking other chicks behind my back. Or I thought I wasn't. All of a sudden I got so obsessed about finding out whether he was, and I was driven crazy by all the little details that I noticed, that he failed to give reasonable explanations for. I was so affected to the point I was on the edge of ending our relationship altogether.

Question: What caused the change in my attitude???

First explanation that came to mind: I didn't have the capacity to care because I had too many things on my plate that required more attention. Those things were off my plate now so I shifted my focus, and started noticing more things.

Alternative but not mutually exclusive hypothesis: I started noticing more things recently because he only recently started cheating on me, because he's finally not having to study for any qualification exam and suddenly has a lot of free time on hand. Also it's harder to keep an eye closed when those details and his shady attitude are in my face, feeding to my inkling.

Root cause: The scarcity trap giving me tunnel vision. More on this later. You can check out this article and this transcript.

Back to what actually happened first.

When I told my close friends, almost everyone was like, "wait why does he need to hide/lie about it if he does? Aren't you guys open and polyamorous?" EXACTLY, thank you. 

The reality is, Dom has always been possessive over me, he wanted exclusivity since the very beginning of our relationship, as in we don't date/fuck other people except each other and our spouses, at least not without each other's permission. The "exclusivity" clause hadn't been brought up since Halloween hotel party 2015 (I wrote about what happened here) but I've since repeatedly told him then it's fine for him to see/fuck other people, all I want is to be informed. To which he always responded with denial, that he wasn't doing so and didn't have the time/urge to.

I fucked an Asian kid who is a fraternity fuckboy (worst encounter ever that deserves a blog post on its own someday), hoping that cheating on Dom would help me get over my whatever-it-was with him, but it didn't help much, and the distraction didn't last long.

At some point my obsession over finding out the truth finally went past the threshold. As a result, I did some carefully planned detective work, was enraged by what I found out, and went a bit overboard on vengeance (also carefully planned, and anonymously). Honestly, what I executed was fucking impressive and a waste to not brag about here, but it's unwise to risk incriminating myself so I am not going to disclose specifics. Long story short, I managed to collect solid proofs that he's been actively hitting on almost every female user whom he saw on the "People Nearby" feature on WeChat, and once they responded, he proceeded with asking them out. No proof that he fucked any of them, but most likely there is at least one other chick he regularly sees/fucks. Doesn't matter anyway because if he hadn't fuck any it's only because he hadn't had the chance to, not that he wouldn't. He lied to me, end of story.

His wife received definitive proofs about his cheating behavior. I was hoping that she would leave him, or at the very least keep a tight leash on him for a long time so that he had to cut ties with whomever. I wouldn't get to see him much either, but I wasn't in the mood of seeing him too frequently anyway. But to my utmost disbelief, all she managed to do was throw a fit in tears (several times?) and confront him with plain old straightforward questioning, which of course he dodged by persistent denial. She threatened to end their marriage at first, but once he showed that he had also started thinking about their irreconcilable differences and contemplated splitting up, she stopped making a fuss over the discovery of his infidelity. She could've at least made it difficult for him to continue cheating on her, yet she was too incompetent to do anything actually effective. She could've confiscated his phone, followed him, gone to his workplace to check if he's really at work, or video-called him from time to time, but she did none of those. They continued living their lives as spouses, and he continued cheating on her with me.

Anyway, this whole exposure thing gave me a chance to have a conversation with him about his lying habit. I revealed the proofs I got bits by bits and watched him still attempting to cover up until the very last minute. I was ready to end it when I laid it out to him that I want honesty and fairness, to which he seemingly agreed to work on, but whether he really intends to doesn't matter to me anymore. I've proven to him that I know about his wrongdoings by shoving evidence in his face, that's enough. Enough to accuse him of the one at fault when I eventually walk away, if I get to be the one who walk away first. 

He told me it's fine if I see/fuck other people, so I no longer hide from him that I'm indeed on dating apps looking for new connections, but I'm yet to find out how much I'm willing to tell him if anything actually materializes. If he quits because I tell the truth, be it. If he quits because I get caught lying, be it. I am no longer afraid of this relationship eventually coming to an end. I no longer feel the urge to end this relationship, because I am no longer afraid of feeling miserable over the loss of it. I no longer think that I will be that miserable when it ends, because I just re-calibrated my measurement of the worth of this relationship. 

Why I went from not caring, to obsessing, to wanting to quit, then back to not caring as much, were all because of the scarcity trap. Everything I did was to dig myself out of that trap. I realized that I was getting very attached to the point I was bothered that he still hasn't used the L word, so I had to do something to prevent or minimize future heartbreaks. I was facing some important life choices (that I don't want to go into because it involves Hubs, and I don't write much about Hubs here due to privacy concerns) and had to find out how much my relationship with Dom is worth to be factored into my decision-making. Sounds crazily simple when compared to all the crazily complicated debates I had in my head and all the crazily calculated actions I took, but that's all this fuss was about. I got almost all the answers I wanted, also achieved the results I wanted— not exact, but as close as humanly possible, so it's good enough for now.

"Tunnel vision is not in itself a good thing or a bad thing. Shutting out distractions can be helpful at times. The question is, do you know when you're inside the tunnel? That's exactly the heart of managing scarcity. It's recognizing when you're trying to do something related to your scarcity where you really want to use that instinct."

I used that instinct to put myself back in control of how I feel about him and our relationship, which in turns allows me to indulge and detach whenever I wish. That gives me ease of mind. Maybe I'm the biggest control freak of them all.

On a side note, I've been talking to Cece a lot recently. We are cannoli sisters (hahahaha I asked Google if female equivalent of tunnel buddies or Eskimo brothers exists and found this term), wasn't Dom that we both fucked, but I got to know her through him. She reached out after seeing the emotional shits I posted on WeChat during the initial stage of the whole exposure thing with Dom, and that kind gesture led to many meaningful conversations. She mentioned me a couple times on her blog recently. I left comments on both posts I was mentioned, also she writes an entertaining journal and has a similar mindset/lifestyle as Nymph and I, so check out her blog if you enjoy peeking into the interesting minds and secret lives of promiscuous, empowered temptresses. *laugh*

Oh yeah, in case you're wondering, Mr Omega who has never really been in the picture is now completely out of the picture.