Thursday, June 15, 2017

Control

A lot of things happened since I last wrote, or should I say, I caused a lot of things to happen... but I am no longer in that emotional state so this is going to be a rather factual long-ass post.

Recap: For a very long time, more than a year I think, I wasn't bothered in the slightest way whether Dom was seeing/fucking other chicks behind my back. Or I thought I wasn't. All of a sudden I got so obsessed about finding out whether he was, and I was driven crazy by all the little details that I noticed, that he failed to give reasonable explanations for. I was so affected to the point I was on the edge of ending our relationship altogether.

Question: What caused the change in my attitude???

First explanation that came to mind: I didn't have the capacity to care because I had too many things on my plate that required more attention. Those things were off my plate now so I shifted my focus, and started noticing more things.

Alternative but not mutually exclusive hypothesis: I started noticing more things recently because he only recently started cheating on me, because he's finally not having to study for any qualification exam and suddenly has a lot of free time on hand. Also it's harder to keep an eye closed when those details and his shady attitude are in my face, feeding to my inkling.

Root cause: The scarcity trap giving me tunnel vision. More on this later. You can check out this article and this transcript.

Back to what actually happened first.

When I told my close friends, almost everyone was like, "wait why does he need to hide/lie about it if he does? Aren't you guys open and polyamorous?" EXACTLY, thank you. 

The reality is, Dom has always been possessive over me, he wanted exclusivity since the very beginning of our relationship, as in we don't date/fuck other people except each other and our spouses, at least not without each other's permission. The "exclusivity" clause hadn't been brought up since Halloween hotel party 2015 (I wrote about what happened here) but I've since repeatedly told him then it's fine for him to see/fuck other people, all I want is to be informed. To which he always responded with denial, that he wasn't doing so and didn't have the time/urge to.

I fucked an Asian kid who is a fraternity fuckboy (worst encounter ever that deserves a blog post on its own someday), hoping that cheating on Dom would help me get over my whatever-it-was with him, but it didn't help much, and the distraction didn't last long.

At some point my obsession over finding out the truth finally went past the threshold. As a result, I did some carefully planned detective work, was enraged by what I found out, and went a bit overboard on vengeance (also carefully planned, and anonymously). Honestly, what I executed was fucking impressive and a waste to not brag about here, but it's unwise to risk incriminating myself so I am not going to disclose specifics. Long story short, I managed to collect solid proofs that he's been actively hitting on almost every female user whom he saw on the "People Nearby" feature on WeChat, and once they responded, he proceeded with asking them out. No proof that he fucked any of them, but most likely there is at least one other chick he regularly sees/fucks. Doesn't matter anyway because if he hadn't fuck any it's only because he hadn't had the chance to, not that he wouldn't. He lied to me, end of story.

His wife received definitive proofs about his cheating behavior. I was hoping that she would leave him, or at the very least keep a tight leash on him for a long time so that he had to cut ties with whomever. I wouldn't get to see him much either, but I wasn't in the mood of seeing him too frequently anyway. But to my utmost disbelief, all she managed to do was throw a fit in tears (several times?) and confront him with plain old straightforward questioning, which of course he dodged by persistent denial. She threatened to end their marriage at first, but once he showed that he had also started thinking about their irreconcilable differences and contemplated splitting up, she stopped making a fuss over the discovery of his infidelity. She could've at least made it difficult for him to continue cheating on her, yet she was too incompetent to do anything actually effective. She could've confiscated his phone, followed him, gone to his workplace to check if he's really at work, or video-called him from time to time, but she did none of those. They continued living their lives as spouses, and he continued cheating on her with me.

Anyway, this whole exposure thing gave me a chance to have a conversation with him about his lying habit. I revealed the proofs I got bits by bits and watched him still attempting to cover up until the very last minute. I was ready to end it when I laid it out to him that I want honesty and fairness, to which he seemingly agreed to work on, but whether he really intends to doesn't matter to me anymore. I've proven to him that I know about his wrongdoings by shoving evidence in his face, that's enough. Enough to accuse him of the one at fault when I eventually walk away, if I get to be the one who walk away first. 

He told me it's fine if I see/fuck other people, so I no longer hide from him that I'm indeed on dating apps looking for new connections, but I'm yet to find out how much I'm willing to tell him if anything actually materializes. If he quits because I tell the truth, be it. If he quits because I get caught lying, be it. I am no longer afraid of this relationship eventually coming to an end. I no longer feel the urge to end this relationship, because I am no longer afraid of feeling miserable over the loss of it. I no longer think that I will be that miserable when it ends, because I just re-calibrated my measurement of the worth of this relationship. 

Why I went from not caring, to obsessing, to wanting to quit, then back to not caring as much, were all because of the scarcity trap. Everything I did was to dig myself out of that trap. I realized that I was getting very attached to the point I was bothered that he still hasn't used the L word, so I had to do something to prevent or minimize future heartbreaks. I was facing some important life choices (that I don't want to go into because it involves Hubs, and I don't write much about Hubs here due to privacy concerns) and had to find out how much my relationship with Dom is worth to be factored into my decision-making. Sounds crazily simple when compared to all the crazily complicated debates I had in my head and all the crazily calculated actions I took, but that's all this fuss was about. I got almost all the answers I wanted, also achieved the results I wanted— not exact, but as close as humanly possible, so it's good enough for now.

"Tunnel vision is not in itself a good thing or a bad thing. Shutting out distractions can be helpful at times. The question is, do you know when you're inside the tunnel? That's exactly the heart of managing scarcity. It's recognizing when you're trying to do something related to your scarcity where you really want to use that instinct."

I used that instinct to put myself back in control of how I feel about him and our relationship, which in turns allows me to indulge and detach whenever I wish. That gives me ease of mind. Maybe I'm the biggest control freak of them all.

On a side note, I've been talking to Cece a lot recently. We are cannoli sisters (hahahaha I asked Google if female equivalent of tunnel buddies or Eskimo brothers exists and found this term), wasn't Dom that we both fucked, but I got to know her through him. She reached out after seeing the emotional shits I posted on WeChat during the initial stage of the whole exposure thing with Dom, and that kind gesture led to many meaningful conversations. She mentioned me a couple times on her blog recently. I left comments on both posts I was mentioned, also she writes an entertaining journal and has a similar mindset/lifestyle as Nymph and I, so check out her blog if you enjoy peeking into the interesting minds and secret lives of promiscuous, empowered temptresses. *laugh*

Oh yeah, in case you're wondering, Mr Omega who has never really been in the picture is now completely out of the picture.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Greatest obstacle in life [DexterS8E8]

Doctor Evelyn Vogel, an intelligent neuropsychiatrist specializing in profiling psychopaths, with three psychopathic serial killers at her dinner table:


Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Macabre



Hubs stumbled upon this and told me to check it out. Actually, I am not ashamed, and I already knew why, but this video did a very good articulation.

I also already figured out my turbulent feelings towards Dom and am taking actions to deal with the root causes. I will write about it after my exam.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Down the rabbit hole we go

Nothing happened between me and the new guy yet. He's omega af... Also the timing has been very off because Mr Omega doesn't follow a normal biological clock for his work/sleep schedule. It's just hard to plan things ahead with him, and spontaneity doesn't really work well with me either. There were times where it could have led to sex had I been willing to go out, but I guess I just wasn't that into him yet? But we're still in touch, we text everyday and will be attending a class together in Fall. I know that I can lay him whenever I want... and eventually we will have sex, if I want to. It's just a matter of time, so there's no need to rush it.

Things with Dom... I don't even know where to begin.

Every time I felt like I was ready to tell him I was in love with him, something would get in the way and I'd quickly detach and distance myself emotionally. It just happened again. Maybe it's more like, when I'm in an emotionally vulnerable position ready to "commit"— as in recognize how important Dom is to me, and how much priority our relationship should be given in my life— my alertness heightened and I started noticing small details that don't line up. Are the things I thought I noticed even concrete, or am I just being paranoid, seeing patterns that aren't there?

For a very long time, I thought I was okay with him being a habitual liar and keeping secrets, as long as he doesn't lessen the limited resources (time, affection, attention) he could give to me. But out of nowhere, with no apparent trigger, I started having similar dreams for many nights in a row, about discovering that he's been cheating on me and then cutting all ties with him— different scenes, same plot, same ending. I woke up losing my cool, obsessing over finding out the truth, letting emotion turmoil consumes me for days. I don't know what caused this, I don't know what I am going to deal either when I figure out (if I manage to figure out), but it seems like my relationship with Dom keeps going back to this... cycle. It's not healthy. Detrimental even.

Hubs: "Why are you so jealous when it comes to Dom?"
Me: "I'm not jealous, I just want to be informed. I want to be in the know."
Hubs: "Why does the truth matter so much to you? Can't you just enjoy the ride?"
Me: "Because deception is the biggest disrespect to my ego. I hate feeling like a fool in the dark."
Hubs: "But why do you have to know everything? You don't tell him everything either."
Me: "But I want to tell him everything. I would've has he been transparent with me."

But am I really in love with Dom when the center of my concern is how I feel and need from our relationship? That I want to have the upper hand, rather than letting him do whatever and respect his reasons for telling me? That my ego > his happiness?

Fuck.

I took some mental health online assessments and the results told me to seek professional advice. Recently it has become more evident that I go through highs and lows like the description of bipolar disorder. I've been living life like this since puberty, and I thought it was nothing concerning. I finally decided that I need to do something about it.

I have an important exam in 3 weeks, and I think it's a blessing that I have something more pressing to attend to when I'm in this state of mind where most of my thoughts on how to handle my distrust of Dom are malicious and vindictive. Everyone I have consulted told me not to act on impulse and make decisions I might regret later. It's not easy to follow their advice when I'm having my low episodes, but so far I've been able to hold off and remind myself that it's my hormones screwing with my head... that it will pass. It shall, like it always did.

Patience, girl. Breathe.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Knowledge is power

What happened after the last entry:
  • Friday: St Patrick's Day. I went out drinking with Hubs, Dom and 2 other friends.
  • Saturday: I went out drinking with the new guy. 
  • Sunday: I went for late brunch/early dinner with the new guy.
  • Monday: I went to his apartment, waited at the lobby, then we went to work together.

Key points of interactions with the new guy:
  • I disclosed that I live with a partner whom I've been in a relationship with for 6 years. He said he has nothing against being involved with someone who is in an open relationship. I didn't mention that I'm married.
  • We exchanged stories about our public sex experiences, and discussed in a suggestive way about a few places we both want to cross off our bucket lists in the future.
  • He sounded very demisexual- said he got rather turned off when girls who went out with him only wanted sex and didn't seem interested to bond or have meaningful conversations with him.
  • He also said he doesn't want to rush into things (i.e. getting physical) but would rather get to know each other more and develop a stronger crush first.

Doing this secretive thing put me in Dom's shoes and gave me a lot of new insights about Dom's need to hunt for new chicks (assuming he did/does) and why he felt/feels that he needs to hide it. It dawned on me that aside from the obvious reasons (polyamorous nature, boredom, thrill-seeking), these behaviors were attempts to feel in control, driven by insecurities that arise from the fear of getting too attached, too invested in someone. Sounds ironic, but having these insights alone already neutralizes most of the negative feelings I have from my distrust of Dom, to say the least. It's not that I didn't know he values our relationship a lot, but I suddenly come to notice many little things and realize how much I meant to him. Reassurance like this is a relief.

I no longer feel an urge to nail down this trophy fuck asap, and I'm not sure if it's a good thing.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

The start of something new

I'm talking to someone new.

Funny. He added me because I turned on the "People Nearby" feature on WeChat. I turned on the "People Nearby" feature on Wechat because I wanted to see if Dom turned it on. Dom is finally not preparing for any exam anymore (he was for the past 1.5 year), and I figured he'd be hunting with so much free time on hand. I saw this really cute chick and I wondered if Dom already hit on her. I ended up informing both Hubs and Dom so they could say hello to her... I'd rather be kept in the loop.

I forgot to turn off the app and the next day, I saw this cute guy among all the greetings I received. He's from the country Dom is originally from. I accepted his friend request.

Dom came over drunk on Friday night after drinking rounds with his colleagues at the bar and at the strip club. I asked to go through his phone with the excuse that I wanna know whether that chick accepted his friend request. Not that I expected Dom to crack under the influence of alcohol, but I had him go through his entire WeChat contact list with me anyway, to refresh my memory on which one he'd talked to/gone out with/fucked. I also went through his other messaging apps while he was too buzzed to question my intentions. Of course I didn't discover anything, but I was relieved when I made sure that the new guy wasn't in Dom's contact list. The last thing I want is to cheat on Dom with someone he knows and have Dom find out through the guy.

Dom was so drunk he ended up sleeping on my bed for an hour before I woke him up. He was too drunk and sleepy to drive, but I had to get him to go home to his wife. We barely interacted that night. I was fine with it since I got the information I wanted, but I don't think I would want it to happen again. It's pointless coming over when he's not even coherent; I'd rather he just goes home straight.

As I was texting this new guy, I realized that I have seen him before on the campus bus weeks ago. He was standing right next to my seat, and I remembered noticing him: not my preference of height, but with that pretty face + style, I'd love to fuck him. I took a quick glance of his building access card clipped onto his belt loop, where I got to know his name and that he worked at the same building where I go to class this semester. And I just noticed that this new guy I was texting has a Wechat ID that matched the name I saw on that card! Holy shit.

I met up with him briefly after my class at his building. There was a slight tremble in his voice when we were talking— happened to half of the guys I went out with in fact, and usually in the beginning of the conversation, way before I could come off all confident, alpha and intimidating, so I'm guessing it's because I'm more attractive than they expected? *laugh*

I dined out with Dom yesterday for his birthday (early celebration). He sent me home afterwards and stopped by for a while. We didn't fuck, but I couldn't care less now that I'm opening myself to other options again. Hubs felt bad for Dom, but he could see why I need to do this. Simply put, for the sake of my relationship with Dom, I have to make sure my ego doesn't find ways to be unhappy. His, too. 

Some relationships can't survive without secrets, so there's no need to complicate things.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

2nd anniversary with Dom

Dom finally got done with his qualification exam last week. He came to spend time with me on 4 different days last week, yet out of those 4 times, we only fucked once.

Blergh, this wasn't how I wanted to start this entry...

Anyway, our relationship turns 2-year-old today. Dom suggested dining out, but I came up with some excuses and had him come over after work and bring me McDonald's... like last year. Except that I actually bothered putting in a little more effort this year. I tied myself up around the breasts (shinju chest harness) with the rope that came with the BDSM kit Dom got me a few months after we met. The kit hadn't been put to good use for a long time because we found the tools redundant, but I figured why not, for a special occasion. I got so turned on during the process, even more so when I looked into the mirror and saw myself tied up like that. I was already wet when Dom arrived. He gave me a teasing frown when he saw what's underneath my bath robe, then fucked me relentlessly.

And that was it. Nothing unusually romantic or sentimental. I still haven't heard the L word.

It feels like I just wrote about our first anniversary not too long ago, and within a blink of an eye, another dull but stable, drama-less year has passed. I haven't gone out with anyone new since the 4F2M orgy with Dom at the swing party in Chicago. Dom claimed (or acted like) he hadn't either. I finally realized that even if he's telling the truth, and no matter how much evidence he could give to prove himself, given his history, I can never be convinced.

Gosh, I have been exclusive to Hubs and Dom for 14 months now. Hubs never cared if I see/date/fuck other people, but it's pretty clear to me that Dom is not okay with it, even though we hadn't explicitly brought it up after the swing party.

But I don't think I can maintain this exclusivity any longer without developing resentment. It's not that I want to be less attached to Dom, or to diminish my feelings for him. I just don't want to start looking for a distraction or replacement only after something happen (or after I find out about something). We are not going anywhere at least for a few years, so I can safely assume that our relationship will go on for at least few more years unless any game changer comes into sight. This issue is not going to just dissipate. I have to do something about it. Honestly, I don't want to deprive myself of the potential pleasures too if suitable candidates come along.

Then again, I am not going to just date/fuck anyone just to "get back at" my distrust of Dom that has always been there. It's pathetic.

I will only do things because I want to. For myself. And for myself only.

I am so curious what I will write about next year this date. Aren't you?