Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Lies and secrets

I am again suspicious of Dom schtupping another woman and hiding it from me.

I didn't use the phrase "cheating on me" because we never really clearly established that we should not be having intimate relationship with anyone else other than each other and our own primary partners. We sort of just expect exclusivity, and honesty when that exclusivity is broken. In fact, it was him who requested for exclusivity when we first started our relationship. I offered to release him from that restriction many times, but he never accepted it, thinking that I made such offer just so I could enjoy the same freedom myself. He often said that there is no need for him to hide from me since I don't disapprove, but I think he has many reasons to—  the most prominent being he doesn't want me to have an excuse to do the same.

I want to believe that he has been honest with me, but how can you fully trust a man who has been cheating on his partner for years and never got caught once? Even though I do believe that the sole reason why he can't ever reveal his polyamorous side to her is because she is obstinately close-minded, insecure, jealous, paranoiac, and so possessive she can't even stand the idea of him getting aroused by other female creature he has to hide in the bathroom to masturbate to porn. Even though I have already told him my stance: I don't care who and how many people he fucks/dates as long as I am informed, respected and still given the same amount of attention and affection. I truly want to believe that he has been honest with me, but what does it say if a person has been discreetly sleeping around behind his partner for years and his partner never finds out?

Well, it could mean that she is extremely dumb or never tried hard enough to verify her suspicion, but more importantly, it means that he is near perfect at covering his tracks. If the woman living with him under the same roof fails to collect proofs, no matter how smart and instinctive I am, I most probably won't be able to either. At least not without careful planning and tons of effort.

I created fake identity to trap him on dating app twice, both times he fell right in. The first time he reached out to the fake identity almost immediately, 20 minutes after I made that profile visible, and the second time was hours later. Interesting enough, with some time delay, he did tell me that he had been texting with some new chick with the intention to hook up. Though he didn't fail my test, I was still appalled knowing how actively he was (or is) hunting. I haven't revealed to him that it was me both times, I never will. I also never told him that I promptly slept with someone the night he made plan to go to the apartment of the first fake identity. In my defense, I would have been honest too if he was entirely honest, but truth is, who doesn't want to have the upper hand?

I don't mind if he is not being exclusive. Primary isn't being exclusive to me either, and I couldn't care less as long as he tells me, which he always does anyway. At the early stage dating Dom, I did care a lot, but that was because our relationship was still new and not knowing where I stood in his heart, I did see other women as a threat. But with his growing commitment, that jealousy is barely there now.

That one time he fucked other chick (Nymph's friend) resulted in me vengefully riding on his married friend's dick in front of his eyes on the same bed right after, but not because I was jealous that he fucked her. It was because his friend and I went out to get condoms for them but when we were back, they were already fucking without one. We agreed earlier to never fuck other people without protection, yet he broke his promise. I admit that I was jealous he would break a promise and disregard our safety for a girl he met just the night before, but it wasn't the jealousy that made me also break a promise (that I will not fuck other people without getting his permission first) to spite him.

It was the betrayal of my trust. I trusted him and was confident that he wouldn't insert his dick before we came back with condoms. Imagine the shock, confusion, anger, disappointment, resentment I experienced altogether at once when I opened the door.

So, as mentioned, I really don't mind if he isn't being exclusive. I just don't want to be led to believing otherwise, be fooled into giving up my freedom thinking that he does too. It really pisses me off being disrespected and manipulated, especially by a loved one you place your trust in.

But I don't want to be affected. I shouldn't be. It shouldn't matter. He has been so attentive, caring, affectionate to me, he fucks me so good, and we have so many things in common that we don't have with our primary partners. Given all he has done for me and for our relationship, can't a bit of dishonesty be negligible?

After all, what can I expect from a man who intentionally gave me a false impression of his marital status the first 9 months of our relationship?

It really doesn't matter. We all die in the end anyway. That's what I've been telling myself whenever I caught myself obsessing over stupid things that I think shouldn't matter. Works like a charm to liberate myself from all those nonsense each time.

I want to believe that he will always tell me the truth eventually, like how he finally managed to gather up the courage to admit what he'd been hiding from me for 9 months, knowing that coming clean would risk losing me. If he lies, I believe that it is because he wants to protect what we have. Had he revealed to me earlier that he's already married to that woman whom he consistently referred to as "girlfriend", I might have walked away, and we wouldn't have what we have today. I am not saying that deception is okay, but being not any less guilty myself on this issue, I should cut him some slack and let him have secrets if he doesn't feel like he can share them with me just yet.

I had always thought that fairness means we have the same freedom, but really, it isn't. Now I'd rather think of fairness this way: he can date/fuck other women since I'm not bothered by it, but maybe I should think twice before dating/fucking other men since it affects him a great deal. It affected him a huge deal the last time I did, although I later explained that it happened almost like a reflex action and I did not realize that I was driven to do it by vengeance at the moment. Despite all the reasoning and the wrongdoing on his end, he had a hard time getting over the mere fact that I fucked another man without his permission. I wouldn't want to put him through that again. I wouldn't want to put us through that again.

Really, I want to stop wasting time and energy driving myself nuts over things I have no control over. We all die anyway. Valar morghulis!

From now on, I shall. And focus on the big picture instead.

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