Monday, February 6, 2017

Hunting ground

I am back on OkCupid, again.

Sister and I text each other almost every day since we came back to the US. She works for a dating website company and gets to go through online conversations (messages) among the users. Two weeks ago, while at work, she texted me a few hilariously pathetic ones for laughs. I quickly recalled many similar encounters I had on OkCupid, especially this white, young male who claimed to be a graduate student - he sent me a link to a video of him grunting while lifting dumbbells at home without a shirt on (why though, his body wasn't even built or toned, just average). He ended the video with a close-up of himself eating frozen yogurt in silence, while staring into the camera with a stern face.

I thought I bookmarked the URL but couldn't find it, so I restored my OkCupid account that had stayed disabled for months. While digging through the earlier messages, I came across the thread with Dom and realized that he had restored his account without me knowing. The last time he was online was an hour before he picked Hubs and I up at the airport.

I had so many questions. 

Shortly after Dom and I met, he disabled his own account in fear of being stumbled upon by people who know his wife. Since then, my account became our shared account (with Hubs and Nymph too) until we decided to disable it. When did Dom restore his own account? Was the reason he disabled it in the first place no longer a concern? Why didn't he mention it to me? Had he been actively hunting? Why didn't he mention that he had been texting some new chicks on the other dating app, until I asked last weekend? 

Most importantly, I thought I had firmly established to myself that I didn't care whether he's fucking other women, with or without telling me—

I panicked a little, then briefly thought about investigating and waiting for a right time to strategically get the truth out of Dom, but the reluctance to invest time and effort in this meaningless plan quickly overwhelmed me and that thought immediately vanished. I was only curious, why play games instead of just asking him directly? 

I asked Dom about it on the very same day. He said he was bored when I was gone, then deleted all his photos after failed attempts to disable the account on his phone (or so he claimed) and uninstalled the app. He also insisted that he didn't sleep with anyone else since he met me, other than that one time with Nymph's friend.

After all this time, I thought I've earned the right to be told the truth. Or was Dom really telling the truth? 

Dom hasn't logged in since that day, but I'm back on the site and talking to strangers.

I've noticed that the times I actively used dating apps coincided with the times I sensed uncertainties in my relationships - when Hubs left the country, whenever I suspected that Dom was cheating on me (when we were still strictly exclusive), when I realized there's a huge discrepancy between what Hubs and I want for the future, when Dom and I had a rocky situation because he fucked Nymph's friend and I fucked his friend, etc. When I found out that Dom is married, I went out with a guy I matched with on Tinder without telling him (all other times when I went out with guys, I did tell him). I would have fucked that guy if he's more interesting and attractive, and I wouldn't have told Dom.

Things have been stable since last year and I'd been busy. For almost a whole year I weren't on dating apps, until the week before Hubs and I went home for our wedding reception - but not due to any instability this time. I was just bored, and ready to meet someone new again. I didn't mention it to Dom. Even if I met someone I'd want to go out with, even if I fuck someone, I wouldn't mention it to him. I haven't mentioned that I'm back on OkCupid again. I don't plan to either.

I guess it's fair then.

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