Saturday, February 11, 2017

Life waits for no man

Shit. I just realized that my recent posts are still motherfucking long... I don't even know what happened to "I will try to write lighter, bite-sized pieces" -_- I guess this is just one more proof of how binary I am... either don't write at all, or squeeze in as much details as I could in one entry (albeit I'll then curate what gets to be presented in the final post).

Dom came over last night. He arrived an hour later than planned, then we fucked and spent some quality time together. Spending time with Dom has always made me happy, and I know that the time we got to spend together should be foregrounded— but after he left, all that was lingering was the inner noise that arose during the one-hour wait.

I didn't blame him. Being late, or having to leave early, or having to cancel wasn't unusual since he's cheating on his wife. During the first few months of our relationship, I'd always prepare myself way ahead of time: shower, groom, put on light make-up and sexy lingerie. I'd also made sure that the room, especially the bed, was as fur-free as possible. And then I'd wait for him, patiently. I wanted to be the perfect mistress and get him hooked, also because seeing Dom was the highlight of my life during those months of extreme boredom (as mentioned, no Hubs no job no studies no friends no income). Soon, I've learned to assume that every upcoming date would be cancelled and make alternative plans in advance. I've learned to find something engaging to do when it's near the time for Dom to show up, so that if he's late or has to cancel, I wouldn't be overwhelmed by emptiness and disappointment at the end of the unfruitful wait. 

And as our relationship stabilize, the effort to impress each other each time we meet has ceased. Doing a full groom ahead of time is no longer a necessity. Nowadays, I would quickly groom and vacuum the bed only after I get the confirmation from Dom that he's already on the way. Sometimes I didn't even care to do that if I felt lazy. If I was tired, I would take my nap and let Dom wake me up when he arrives (he has the keys to our place). 

I thought I have mastered the emotional skills to not be bothered whenever there's a change of plan, but yesterday I slipped. During the wait, the unpleasant emotions and thoughts I went through during those months of darkness resurfaced. Among all was a voice telling myself to never let myself go through that again, to never waste my life waiting on someone to attend to me, to never put myself in a passive position waiting for someone to bring meaning to my life— whether or not this someone is lawfully mine. 

I can be a wife and/or a mistress, as long as this is not the primary identity that defines who I am and what I do with my life. As I've noticed, I only obsessed over how much reciprocity I was getting from a relationship when there wasn't much going on in the aspect of my professional development. It's like I was trying to compensate by provoking dramas that might contribute to personal development... and I don't like this version of me who would succumb to depending my self-worth on the amount of attention and affection I get. I don't want to base my life on how much I mean to my romantic partners and how to please them. 

I guess it's natural to many women, like Dom's wife, you know, to build their lives revolving around one person (and/or the children they breed for/with this person). Although most women who make such a choice don't really have a choice because being someone's wife/mother is the most they can achieve in life, I do think it takes a lot of dedication for maintenance, and a whole lot more of courage to give someone so much power to decide your life for you. Kudos to them, but to become them is the last thing I'd want for myself.

The voice is getting so loud and clear it's deafening.

No comments:

Post a Comment