Thursday, April 13, 2017

Down the rabbit hole we go

Nothing happened between me and the new guy yet. He's omega af... Also the timing has been very off because Mr Omega doesn't follow a normal biological clock for his work/sleep schedule. It's just hard to plan things ahead with him, and spontaneity doesn't really work well with me either. There were times where it could have led to sex had I been willing to go out, but I guess I just wasn't that into him yet? But we're still in touch, we text everyday and will be attending a class together in Fall. I know that I can lay him whenever I want... and eventually we will have sex, if I want to. It's just a matter of time, so there's no need to rush it.

Things with Dom... I don't even know where to begin.

Every time I felt like I was ready to tell him I was in love with him, something would get in the way and I'd quickly detach and distance myself emotionally. It just happened again. Maybe it's more like, when I'm in an emotionally vulnerable position ready to "commit"— as in recognize how important Dom is to me, and how much priority our relationship should be given in my life— my alertness heightened and I started noticing small details that don't line up. Are the things I thought I noticed even concrete, or am I just being paranoid, seeing patterns that aren't there?

For a very long time, I thought I was okay with him being a habitual liar and keeping secrets, as long as he doesn't lessen the limited resources (time, affection, attention) he could give to me. But out of nowhere, with no apparent trigger, I started having similar dreams for many nights in a row, about discovering that he's been cheating on me and then cutting all ties with him— different scenes, same plot, same ending. I woke up losing my cool, obsessing over finding out the truth, letting emotion turmoil consumes me for days. I don't know what caused this, I don't know what I am going to deal either when I figure out (if I manage to figure out), but it seems like my relationship with Dom keeps going back to this... cycle. It's not healthy. Detrimental even.

Hubs: "Why are you so jealous when it comes to Dom?"
Me: "I'm not jealous, I just want to be informed. I want to be in the know."
Hubs: "Why does the truth matter so much to you? Can't you just enjoy the ride?"
Me: "Because deception is the biggest disrespect to my ego. I hate feeling like a fool in the dark."
Hubs: "But why do you have to know everything? You don't tell him everything either."
Me: "But I want to tell him everything. I would've has he been transparent with me."

But am I really in love with Dom when the center of my concern is how I feel and need from our relationship? That I want to have the upper hand, rather than letting him do whatever and respect his reasons for telling me? That my ego > his happiness?

Fuck.

I took some mental health online assessments and the results told me to seek professional advice. Recently it has become more evident that I go through highs and lows like the description of bipolar disorder. I've been living life like this since puberty, and I thought it was nothing concerning. I finally decided that I need to do something about it.

I have an important exam in 3 weeks, and I think it's a blessing that I have something more pressing to attend to when I'm in this state of mind where most of my thoughts on how to handle my distrust of Dom are malicious and vindictive. Everyone I have consulted told me not to act on impulse and make decisions I might regret later. It's not easy to follow their advice when I'm having my low episodes, but so far I've been able to hold off and remind myself that it's my hormones screwing with my head... that it will pass. It shall, like it always did.

Patience, girl. Breathe.

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