Thursday, June 15, 2017

Control

A lot of things happened since I last wrote, or should I say, I caused a lot of things to happen... but I am no longer in that emotional state so this is going to be a rather factual long-ass post.

Recap: For a very long time, more than a year I think, I wasn't bothered in the slightest way whether Dom was seeing/fucking other chicks behind my back. Or I thought I wasn't. All of a sudden I got so obsessed about finding out whether he was, and I was driven crazy by all the little details that I noticed, that he failed to give reasonable explanations for. I was so affected to the point I was on the edge of ending our relationship altogether.

Question: What caused the change in my attitude???

First explanation that came to mind: I didn't have the capacity to care because I had too many things on my plate that required more attention. Those things were off my plate now so I shifted my focus, and started noticing more things.

Alternative but not mutually exclusive hypothesis: I started noticing more things recently because he only recently started cheating on me, because he's finally not having to study for any qualification exam and suddenly has a lot of free time on hand. Also it's harder to keep an eye closed when those details and his shady attitude are in my face, feeding to my inkling.

Root cause: The scarcity trap giving me tunnel vision. More on this later. You can check out this article and this transcript.

Back to what actually happened first.

When I told my close friends, almost everyone was like, "wait why does he need to hide/lie about it if he does? Aren't you guys open and polyamorous?" EXACTLY, thank you. 

The reality is, Dom has always been possessive over me, he wanted exclusivity since the very beginning of our relationship, as in we don't date/fuck other people except each other and our spouses, at least not without each other's permission. The "exclusivity" clause hadn't been brought up since Halloween hotel party 2015 (I wrote about what happened here) but I've since repeatedly told him then it's fine for him to see/fuck other people, all I want is to be informed. To which he always responded with denial, that he wasn't doing so and didn't have the time/urge to.

I fucked an Asian kid who is a fraternity fuckboy (worst encounter ever that deserves a blog post on its own someday), hoping that cheating on Dom would help me get over my whatever-it-was with him, but it didn't help much, and the distraction didn't last long.

At some point my obsession over finding out the truth finally went past the threshold. As a result, I did some carefully planned detective work, was enraged by what I found out, and went a bit overboard on vengeance (also carefully planned, and anonymously). Honestly, what I executed was fucking impressive and a waste to not brag about here, but it's unwise to risk incriminating myself so I am not going to disclose specifics. Long story short, I managed to collect solid proofs that he's been actively hitting on almost every female user whom he saw on the "People Nearby" feature on WeChat, and once they responded, he proceeded with asking them out. No proof that he fucked any of them, but most likely there is at least one other chick he regularly sees/fucks. Doesn't matter anyway because if he hadn't fuck any it's only because he hadn't had the chance to, not that he wouldn't. He lied to me, end of story.

His wife received definitive proofs about his cheating behavior. I was hoping that she would leave him, or at the very least keep a tight leash on him for a long time so that he had to cut ties with whomever. I wouldn't get to see him much either, but I wasn't in the mood of seeing him too frequently anyway. But to my utmost disbelief, all she managed to do was throw a fit in tears (several times?) and confront him with plain old straightforward questioning, which of course he dodged by persistent denial. She threatened to end their marriage at first, but once he showed that he had also started thinking about their irreconcilable differences and contemplated splitting up, she stopped making a fuss over the discovery of his infidelity. She could've at least made it difficult for him to continue cheating on her, yet she was too incompetent to do anything actually effective. She could've confiscated his phone, followed him, gone to his workplace to check if he's really at work, or video-called him from time to time, but she did none of those. They continued living their lives as spouses, and he continued cheating on her with me.

Anyway, this whole exposure thing gave me a chance to have a conversation with him about his lying habit. I revealed the proofs I got bits by bits and watched him still attempting to cover up until the very last minute. I was ready to end it when I laid it out to him that I want honesty and fairness, to which he seemingly agreed to work on, but whether he really intends to doesn't matter to me anymore. I've proven to him that I know about his wrongdoings by shoving evidence in his face, that's enough. Enough to accuse him of the one at fault when I eventually walk away, if I get to be the one who walk away first. 

He told me it's fine if I see/fuck other people, so I no longer hide from him that I'm indeed on dating apps looking for new connections, but I'm yet to find out how much I'm willing to tell him if anything actually materializes. If he quits because I tell the truth, be it. If he quits because I get caught lying, be it. I am no longer afraid of this relationship eventually coming to an end. I no longer feel the urge to end this relationship, because I am no longer afraid of feeling miserable over the loss of it. I no longer think that I will be that miserable when it ends, because I just re-calibrated my measurement of the worth of this relationship. 

Why I went from not caring, to obsessing, to wanting to quit, then back to not caring as much, were all because of the scarcity trap. Everything I did was to dig myself out of that trap. I realized that I was getting very attached to the point I was bothered that he still hasn't used the L word, so I had to do something to prevent or minimize future heartbreaks. I was facing some important life choices (that I don't want to go into because it involves Hubs, and I don't write much about Hubs here due to privacy concerns) and had to find out how much my relationship with Dom is worth to be factored into my decision-making. Sounds crazily simple when compared to all the crazily complicated debates I had in my head and all the crazily calculated actions I took, but that's all this fuss was about. I got almost all the answers I wanted, also achieved the results I wanted— not exact, but as close as humanly possible, so it's good enough for now.

"Tunnel vision is not in itself a good thing or a bad thing. Shutting out distractions can be helpful at times. The question is, do you know when you're inside the tunnel? That's exactly the heart of managing scarcity. It's recognizing when you're trying to do something related to your scarcity where you really want to use that instinct."

I used that instinct to put myself back in control of how I feel about him and our relationship, which in turns allows me to indulge and detach whenever I wish. That gives me ease of mind. Maybe I'm the biggest control freak of them all.

On a side note, I've been talking to Cece a lot recently. We are cannoli sisters (hahahaha I asked Google if female equivalent of tunnel buddies or Eskimo brothers exists and found this term), wasn't Dom that we both fucked, but I got to know her through him. She reached out after seeing the emotional shits I posted on WeChat during the initial stage of the whole exposure thing with Dom, and that kind gesture led to many meaningful conversations. She mentioned me a couple times on her blog recently. I left comments on both posts I was mentioned, also she writes an entertaining journal and has a similar mindset/lifestyle as Nymph and I, so check out her blog if you enjoy peeking into the interesting minds and secret lives of promiscuous, empowered temptresses. *laugh*

Oh yeah, in case you're wondering, Mr Omega who has never really been in the picture is now completely out of the picture.

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